Miso Funny

Stoic. Detached. Bookish. These are all words that have been used to describe Asian Americans. Well, guess what?  They forgot anal. Yet contrary to these stereotypes, Asians do have a sense of humor. We love laughing at the expense of others. And the Asian American experience does lend itself to its share of humorous moments. In fact, there’s enough material out there to keep several Asian American gainfully employed as comedians. Ever have aspirations about joining their ranks? Well, here’s a quick primer on becoming one. Simply elaborate on any – or all – of the following topics:

Self-Deprecation

For Asian comedians, making fun of your own race is always a crowd pleaser. All you really have to do is exaggerate both the good and bad generalizations about Asians. 

COMEDY CASE STUDIES:

• Academic expectations are always fodder for laughter. For example, you could point out that “White people call acing the SAT an accomplishment. Asians call it 6^th grade.”
• Share a personal incident involving other people’s assumptions about Asians. For example, being picked to be on a trivia contest team despite your protests that you’re horrible at trivia. Explain that it didn’t help your case that the categories were Math, Jackie Chan and Non-Contact Sports. 

EXAMPLE – BOBBY LEE

White People 

While America is a melting pot of different races and cultures, we all know who’s stirring the pot. Let’s be honest. We still live in a nation where a lot of whites like to make fun of other ethnicities simply because they don’t understand how Tim Allen is popular. Comedy gives minorities like Asian Americans a chance to turn the tables on “the man” and point out the follies of their pasty-skinned neighbors. 

COMEDY CASE STUDY:

A lot of Caucasians ridicule some of the foods we Asians eat. I’m not talking about the menu at Panda Express. I’m referring to the die-hard concoctions like squid jerky and fermented fish. Yet white people will eat almost anything that’s on a stick. Seriously. You could put poop on a stick and they’ll put you on Food Network. Salvation could be standing before a white person and he/she could care less. But show them a Snickers bar on a stick and they’ll act like it’s crack on a stick.

EXAMPLE – DANNY CHO

Mothers

Moms are the mother lode of Asian comedy material. I think almost every Asian funny man and woman has their mama in their act.  For some reason, the extremes to which our moms will go to embarrass us in front of our white friends makes other people laugh.  The formula is pretty simple. Make fun of your mom’s obliviousness to American culture. Explain your mom’s self-absorbed view of the world. Poke fun at the way she mangles the English language.  

COMEDY CASE STUDIES:

• Korean moms always refer to themselves as “mommy”. For example, “Mommy know what you doing in bathroom for long time with door locked. You not studying!”
• Almost everything my mother says to me begins with two words: how come. For example, “How come you want mommy to suffer…How come you not like (the child of one of their friends)/Jesus?”
• Korean moms like to add the article “the” before adjectives. For example, if you get anything below an A on any test – even a blood test – then you are “THE stupid”. If you are the normal weight for someone your height, then you are “THE fat”. 

EXAMPLE – MARGARET CHO

Snap! Crackle! K-Pop!

According to many an envious non-Korean Asian, there are only a few things Koreans do well. Pop music, otherwise known as K-Pop, is one of them.  In fact, the only thing more popular than K-Pop music in Asia is K-Pop fashion. And Costco.

To be honest, K-Pop is not my thing. I prefer music from indie-pop bands that refuse to look at the camera in their pictures. But to be fair, K-Pop isn’t bad karaoke either. It really is no different than American pop songs you hear today from artists you’ll forget tomorrow. And when you think of all the Asians in the world and their disposable incomes, well, you can see why this music is pretty $eriou$ bu$ine$$. In fact, a lot of K-Pop artists are starting to collaborate with western musical trendsetters such as Kanye West, will.i.am and the Jonas Brothers. 

The stories of K-Pop stars read like, well, a corporate manual. Talent management companies first identify young Koreans they deem as having star potential. They must be attractive and as thin as a Korean mother’s patience. They must go through at least a 2-year apprenticeship that involves singing, dancing and pouting. Upon graduation, they are grouped with other Koreans not necessarily based on talent or compatibility, but if they look good standing next to each other. A few are handsome enough to become solo artists. 

So, who are these wunderkinds of Asian pop music? The following is a sampler of some of K-Pop’s biggest stars.

SHINee (Pronounced “shiny”)

R&B boy band. Fashion icons. Famous for something called “The SHINee Look”: high top sneakers, skinny jeans and colorful sweaters. Apparently looking like a douche bag is not only an American thing. 

You Might Know Them From Such Hits As:

Older Girl, You’re So Pretty

Girl’s Generation

A nine-member girl group. Nothing scandalous or terribly interesting about them. Just a bunch of nice Korean girls. Also known as Soshi or SNSD. Why? I have no idea. Why is the name “Jack” short for “John”?

You Might Know Them From Such Hit Songs As:

Oh!

Visual Dreams

Gee

Rain

The King of K-Pop. Has done several Korean movies like I’m a Cyborg But That’s OK. Was on a Korean TV show called Full House. No, not that Full House. This one made him a star throughout Asia, the US and Israel. Yes, that Israel. Has appeared in American movies like Speed Racer and Ninja Assassin. Once listed as one of the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World by Time magazine. I do not know if Rain’s mother asked him, “How come not MOST influential people in the world?!?!?”

You Might Know Him From Such Hits As:

Ways to Avoid the Sun

Hip Song

BigBang

They’re either big fans of physics and named their group after the theory. Or they just like the sound of the name. Either way, this Korean boy band were a hit machine in the mid to late 2000s. Like every other musical group, once they achieved success they went on to pursue solo projects. Reunited in 2011 and released their EP Tonight: the first K-Pop album ever to reach the Top 10 U.S. iTunes Charts. 

You Might Know Them From Such Hits As:

Strong Baby

Lollipop

Oh My Friend

Se7en

Apparently the names 6ix and Ei8ht were already taken. Not a band but actually a one-man force of Korean awesomeness. Had sold-out concerts in NYC, L.A. and Washington D.C. Has worked with Lil’ Kim. Hasn’t lived in Korea since 2007. Just like Kim Jong Il, setting his sights on America. 

You Might Know Him From Such Hits As:

Girls

Crazy

I Know

Brown Eyed Girls

At first, just another K-Pop girl group. Now, a Korean mother’s worst nightmare. Redefined themselves as the naughty girls of K-Pop with the release of their song and video, Abracadabra. Where were these girls when I had to go to Korean Culture School? Arch nemesis of another girl group, The Wonder Girls.

The Wonder Girls

In 2009, they became the first Korean singers ever to have a single (called Nobody) on Billboard’s Hot 100 List. In fact, they are “over 30,000,000 in download sales” popular. They also toured with the Jonas Brothers during said group’s North American tour. Released their single 2 Different Tears in Korean, Chinese and English. One of the original members actually left the group to go back to school; I guess you can take the girl out of Korea, but you can’t take the Korea out of the girl.   

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Just like women have Gay-dar, Asians have A-dar: the innate capability to tell the difference between Asians, specifically (at least for me) Chinese, Japanese and Koreans. It’s a skill that stems from an Asian’s ability to pick up miniscule nuances like t-shirts that say “Kiss Me I’m Korean” or the fact that you’re in a Chinese restaurant. This is something you don’t really learn. You’re just born with it. There are, however, a few telltale signs that can help you avoid the embarrassment of asking a Japanese person if he’s Polish.

The first clue is language. Since I’m a Korean, han-gul (that’s Korean for “Korean”) is my baseline. This is what sounds normal to me. I do notice, however, Koreans really like to draw out the vowels in their words. I believe the intent is to emphasize their disappointment in everything.

In contrast, the Japanese language sounds like a lot of work. It seems to use a lot of words to express something simple. For example, look at their last names. Families in Japan carry such bloodline designations as Tanaka, Yamaguchi and Supercalafragilistiexpealadocious. Then there’s the Chinese.

It should be noted that China is made up of several different races that have their own distinct dialects. Nonetheless, the Chinese language generally sounds like someone playing a record backwards.

When the spoken word fails you, there’s always an Asian’s physical appearance. Koreans generally have wider faces covered in fairer skin tones with hints of yellow. Our eyes aren’t as slanted as the Chinese or Japanese. But our noses are bigger and our hair tends to be browner. The Japanese face has a lot of angularity to it as well as a lot more paleness. Their jaw lines are strong and their eyes tend to have a lot more slant to them. For me, there are two Chinese looks. The Southern version tends to have rounder eyes and darker skin. They also seem to be shorter than even Koreans. On the other hand, their Northern counterparts usually are pastier with almond-shaped eyes. They also tend to be taller. Regardless of where they’re from, the Chinese always looked soft and delicate to me. Kind of like, well, a China Doll.

In lieu of A-Dar, perhaps the easiest way to figure things out is simply by asking. Don’t worry. We really don’t take offense to questions like “Are you Korean?” It’s the follow-up inquiries that annoy us. For example, after I tell you I’m Korean, don’t respond with things like, “You know, I have a TV from Korea.” This just tells me that you’re stupid. And trust me, I didn’t need any A-Dar to figure that one out.   

Shou Ga Nai

In light of what is happening in Japan, I have decided to eschew from any attempts at humor for now. What I will do instead is share this story from the L.A. Times about this amazing Japanese dude. Am I being lazy? Sure. But this guy still kicks ass. In fact, he would be even more awesome if he was Korean.

Reporting from Ishinomaki, Japan —— Most of the dozens of tsunami-battered towns along Japan's northeastern coast remain mired in mud, but the situation in Ishinomaki is a bit different. Nearly a week after the massive earthquake and tsunami hit the city of 162,000, large portions remain underwater, an instant lake clearly visible on NASA satellite photographs.

Amid the aqueous landscape looms Hideaki Akaiwa, 43, in full battle gear.

In a nation of careful dressers, Akaiwa sports Rambo-style army pants, a blue sweatshirt, muddy sneakers, legs wrapped in plastic secured with orange duct tape, and three different backpacks, including an L.L. Bean fanny pack with a tiny plastic anime character affixed, a doctor that saves people.

Whereas many Japanese have adopted the nation's unofficial mantra: Shou ga nai, or, more politely, Shikata ga nai, loosely translated as, "What can you do?," "It's beyond our control" or "It's out of my hands," Akaiwa stands out as a virtual live-action hero.

Akaiwa said he was at work a few miles away when the tsunami hit, and he rushed back to find his neighborhood inundated with up to 10 feet of water. Not willing to wait until the government or any international organization did, or did not, arrive to rescue his wife of two decades — whom he had met while they were surfing in a local bay — Akaiwa got hold of some scuba gear. He then hit the water, wended his way through the debris and underwater hazards and managed to reach his house, from which he dragged his wife to safety.

"The water felt very cold, dark and scary," he recalled. "I had to swim about 200 yards to her, which was quite difficult with all the floating wreckage."

With his mother still unaccounted for several days later, Akaiwa stewed with frustration as he watched the water recede by only a foot or two. He repeatedly searched for her at City Hall and nearby evacuation centers.

Finally, on Tuesday, he waded through neck-deep water, searching the neighborhood where she'd last been seen. He found her, he said, on the second floor of a flooded house where she'd been waiting for help for four days.

"She was very much panicked because she was trapped with all this water around," Akaiwa said. "I didn't know where she was. It was such a relief to find her."

Ishinomaki, a rice-shipping port in Miyagi prefecture founded in the fourth century, is known for its huge fish market, a museum devoted to "manga" comic books and a replica of the Statue of Liberty looming over a small island in the Kitakami River.

Now, the still-proud statue looks out over legions of logs liberated from a hidden loading dock. Downtown streets, replete with KFC and Coco's Restaurant signs, can best be reached by boat.

Two-thousand pound cars have punched their way into tractor trailers, through plate-glass windows, up into trees, defying logic as they to rest bumper-to-bumper in seemingly impossible embraces, all a few hundred yards from blocks of untouched Japanese-style strip malls just beyond the high-water mark, stores with names such as "Beauty Shiny," "Hotel Kiss" and "Restaurant Joyfill."

Nearby, battered and bruised residents, bracing for the latest aftershock, walk their bicycles on elevated rail lines, the only high-water refuge for many in this flooded community.

Residents such as office worker Takahiru Haryuu, 47, said Wednesday that they are waiting for authorities to give the all-clear to return to their neighborhoods. Haryuu smoked a cigarette and chatted with his wife Hiroko on an overpass where the city's four-lane highway ends.

The road wasn't designed to end here. But now, the newly formed lake extends into his neighborhood, which abuts the sea, its roads and byways still flooded to neck level.

The couple haven't seen their house since Friday and have no idea what to expect. But they aren't about to swim or scuba, preferring instead to wait patiently and hope. "The family is all right, thankfully, but we're very worried about the house," Haryuu said. "But we'll just have to keep checking back until we can get in."

Akaiwai, on the other hand, isn't big on waiting. He can't sit still. He pokes around in his car, battered and likely ruined by the tsunami, pointing out a three-inch fish lying dead almost half a mile inland, one of the tsunami's smallest victims.

Then, he adjusts his pants, reaches into his still-wet car and pulls out a pair of Ray-Ban aviator glasses from a light brown case, pours out the sea water and puts them on to complete his outfit before mounting the bicycle he's using since his wheels are disabled. Akaiwai next reviews the contents of his fanny pack: green tea, water, a flashlight, camouflage work gloves, a Swiss Army-style knife and a change of clothes.

Finally, he adjusts the grip on his bicycle and heads off in search of other trapped survivors.

"Sorry, I have to get going," he says as he navigates around the dead fish, through a puddle and around the corner.

 

Haters Gonna Hate

The Boston Celtics versus L.A. Lakers.

Tupac versus the Notorious B.I.G.

Growing Pains versus Full House.

It seems like the whole East Coast versus West Coast drama has been played out on so many different American stages. Oddly enough, the Asian American community is no exception.  

This really isn’t a turf war. There’s no Puffed Rice Daddy representing the 212. And Korea Town isn’t following Snoop Dog’s lead, “sippin’ on Soju juice (laid back) with my mind on my studies and my studies on my mind.” And I’m not imagining things, either. This topic has reared its bandana-wearing head in a few Asian American conventions. It seems that a line has been drawn based on the American-ness of each coast. 

Thanks to geography, a lot of people from Asia end up on the West Side. In fact, it’s home to the second largest Korean population in the world (and according to Korean mothers, not a gay person among them). Consequently, there are so many Asians out west that it’s almost like White America has adapted to them instead of the vice versa. Their numbers dwarf the number of Asians on the East Side. This discrepancy has some West Siders thinking East Siders aren’t as assimilated into American culture as themselves. Due to this lack of population density (outside the various Chinatowns), they contend that Near Easterners stick out, well, like an Asian American whistling Dixie. Some theorize East Coast Asians segregate themselves from other American cultures to retain their racial identity; something West Coasters feel that they don’t have to do. Yeah, I think they’re full of Rachel Ray’s cooking too. 

In terms of pure stereotypes, the West sees the East as ghetto and poor. The East sees the West as a bunch of brats who are good at spending their parent’s money. This is unfair. They’re great at spending other people’s coin. There is, however, one thing they seem to agree on: Midwest Asian Americans aren’t as sophisticated as those on the coasts.   

Apparently we caught the agricultural bug that seems to solely exist in the Midwest. For one thing, that germ is only in the air at Michigan State University. Secondly, when was the last time you saw an Asian American in a combine? Finally, as Asian Americans we really have more similarities than differences. We all like KFC. And the concept of flat sheets is alien to our parents. I’ll be honest. As fun a topic as this is, I also think it’s a bit frivolous, too. Everybody knows Midwest Asian Americans are the best.  

Tiger Mother, Hidden Father

This is not a book review. It’s a review of a review done by Time magazine for the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua: a book that has parents and educators as angry as an Asian mom whose kid gets a B+…in anything. I’m not surprised. Tiger Mother is basically an indictment on American parenting skills and our education system. And to some degree, I think she’s right about our “gold star” society.

Within the context of competing in a global economy, a lot of people in our own country have been questioning the quality and effectiveness of secondary (K-12) education in the United States. According to the latest test results from PISA (Program for International Student Assessment), American kids ranked 17^th overall in the subjects of reading, science and math. At number one, the kids from Shanghai. Another study I read about pitted American students who felt they were good in math against Korean kids who thought they were bad in math. Both groups took the same test. Unfortunately that’s all they had in common. The Korean kids scored A’s while the American kids scored C’s. Damn the French judge. If only the Americans could have landed their triple axle.

In regards to parenting skills, that’s pretty subjective. I don’t think there’s only one way to raise a bright and productive child. I do think, however, American parents are way too overprotective and under-demanding. Does making the junior-high honor roll really warrant a bumper sticker? Especially when that person in the other car has a dog that can beat up your honor student. And what’s the point of playing dodge ball without a ball so no one’s feelings get hurt? I call that mime. This isn’t just my opinion. It also belongs to a lot of psychologists, cognitive scientists and mime haters.

According to Hara Estroff Marano, editor-at-large of Psychology Today magazine, “Children who have never had to test their abilities grow into emotionally brittle young adults who are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.” The University of Michigan did a study that contends this generation of young adults will be America’s most narcissistic generation ever. And in regards to an Asian mom’s drill sergeant inclinations, well, University of Virginia psychology professor Daniel Willingham believes “It’s virtually impossible to become proficient at a mental task without extensive practice.” Nonetheless, all psychologists agree (except Tiger Mother ones, of course) threats and name-calling are detrimental to a child’s upbringing.           

Given all that, it’s not like every Chinese, Japanese or Korean person is a doctor. Some are lawyers so they can sue the doctors. And ironically a lot of urban parents as well as educators in China are pushing for a more “American” style of public education. That’s not to say discipline and grades aren’t still important to them. They just want their kids to be allowed to have more creative freedom in school. And for a lot of Asians, the United States still represents the gold standard in higher education.

I’ll conclude my review review with what I consider a valid point from Chua’s book: “Chinese parents assume strength, not fragility.” I do think a lot of parents underestimate the toughness and resiliency of their kids. Sure, you never want to see your child get hurt. But has anyone ever learned how to ride a bike without a few scrapes and bruises? The reality is in life you’re going to fall down – a lot. What’s important is learning how to get back up. 

So, where is the Asian father in all this? From my experience, Asian dads are as militant as their wives. They’re just smart enough to get out of mama’s way. After all, they were probably raised by a Tiger Mother.   

Yo Ma Ma

I’m sure all of you are waiting with bated breath for my take on the “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” article published recently in The Wall Street Journal (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html). Well, go ahead and breathe because here it is: Define success.

For a lot of people (not just Asians), success means being rich. Or as the Koreans say it: reee$$$h. For example, when one of my relatives in Korea was asked why she drove an expensive, gas-guzzling car in a country where petrol costs one child per gallon, she replied “It’s important to look reee$$$h.” So you basically sacrifice everything for the sake of attaining wealth. After all, money lets you do a lot of different things. But is it really worth it if you’re killing yourself trying to make all this money?

I’ve read some articles recently about a lot of lawyers who have regretted their career choice because of the ungodly hours they have to work. Yes, they make a lot of money. But the popular sentiment is that if they had to do it all over again, they would have chosen a different career – even if it paid less. Would that make them less successful people?        

My folks have told me about some families they know of where the dad lives in one state while the rest of the brood lives in another (Yes, they’re Asian). The story usually plays out like this: Papa Bear’s company is moving out of state. Mama Bear doesn’t want to uproot the family. In the interest of maintaining a really nice paycheck, they go with an arrangement where Papa Bear flies in on Friday nights then leaves on Sunday nights. Something about seeing your family two days a week doesn’t sound very successful to me…unless your names are Jon and Kate Gosselin.

It’s okay to own things. Just don’t let the things own you.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big proponent of discipline. I believe in pushing your kids to do well in school so they don’t have to go to THE Ohio State University. And I also feel a lot of parents are marshmallowy soft with their children when they underachieve due to a lack of effort. It’s like what one of my advertising instructors once told me, “You don’t just pick up a guitar and become a rock star. You have to learn the fundamentals first. And that takes hard work.” I think I just asked him where the bathroom was. Anyway, the point is studying is a skill that needs to be learned. And a good education lets you have more options in life. So I’m all for pushing a kid over some proverbial academic hump, my hump, my lovely lady bumps (Sorry, I had Black Eyed Peas for dinner). 

Yes, you can study to be a doctor. I feel, however, there has to be a part of a person that also wants to be a doctor. In other words, I don’t think an angry Asian mother is the best reason to go into medicine. Sure, kids have a hard time seeing the big picture and parents should help them realize there’s more to life than grades K-12. I have a lot of smart friends who are doctors, engineers and other brainy things. They not only all have what I consider great jobs, but they also have and had a balanced life. In fact, I would argue they’re better at their jobs because of that. Those are the people I consider successful.

In a way I agree with the Chinese mother’s principles. It’s just the degree to which she takes it to that makes me grateful for my own parents. Yes, education was important to them. In fact, they could get you to believe that the problems in North Korea were due to my B+ in Physics. But they also gave me the slack to become things like a bad tennis player. 

It’s funny. My parents tell me a lot of their friends are always complaining about how their adult children are so mean and unattached to them. I guess you reap what you sow.