The Eyes Have It

File this under “curious”: a growing number of Asians both here and abroad are getting a surgical procedure where each eyebrow is sewn in such a way to lift their eyelids. The reason? To look more “white” by giving themselves big American eyes (the better to see you with, Red Riding Hood). Odd? Yes, because there are so many other ways to be like your pasty brethren without resorting to needle and thread.

It is written that all good Asian-Americans will play tennis or the violin; so be a rebel and take up the ivory sport of hockey. Get in touch with your inner-redneck and become a “rice cracker” by sporting a Calvin-peeing-on-something decal on your car’s rear window. Know who Ira Glass is. At a cold, outdoor sporting event go shirtless to support the pro team that happens to be in your area code. Listen to Jack Johnson music and pretend to like it. Drive competently. And for the cherry on top, ask a Caucasian at a restaurant to show you how to use chopsticks.

You see, the key is to participate, not mutilate. That’s what makes you a true banana. Good ideas are everywhere. You just have to keep your eyes open (sans the surgery).

Word Up

A few days ago I was walking down the street, filling my head with pure and clean thoughts. As a non-Asian fellow goes past me, he shouts out a “nee-hi” towards my person. “Nee-hi” (this is phonetically spelled) means “hi” in Chinese. First of all, I’m not Chinese (do we all look the same or something?). And second, this is an example of something that insults\annoys a lot of us Asian-Americans: addressing us like we’re immigrants by greeting us with the single word you know in Chinese, Filipino, Japanese, Korean, etc.

It’s one thing if you’re in another country and you’re valiantly trying to communicate with the locals. The point is, we live here and we’re as American as the guy or gal sporting NASCAR merchandise on their body. English is our first language. Trust me. Ask almost any Asian parent if their kids are proficient with the “mother” language. Chances are you’ll be answered with a look of disappointment. So why assume we’re here on a Green Card?

Go ahead. Say I’m oversensitive. But when I see a pasty-skinned person with a shock of red hair, I don’t blurt out “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, laddie! Care for a pint o’ Guinness?” It’s like a person trying to order in French at a French restaurant using their one year of high school French; they end up looking idiotic.

So next time you’re trying to stir up a polite conversation with an Asian, it’s okay to start with a simple “hi” or “nice weather we’re having”. Now if you’re trying to pick up the same said Asian, lines like “let’s rearrange the alphabet and put U and I together” don’t work – and that’s true in any language.