Rice Royalty

You see them on the street. They are your co-workers, your doctor, your Facebook Friend, your brothers and sisters. Who are they?

They are Rice Kings, and if you own X-X chromosomes, Rice Queens.

Webster’s Dictionary describes Rice Kings and Queens as non-Asians who are obsessed with coveting thy Asian neighbor. They are easy to recognize; they tend to be the lone white or black person amongst a flock of Asians. And no, it’s not like having a preference for blondes or brunettes. For one thing, there is no blonde or brunette “culture”. So why are they so determined to punch a ticket on the Orient Express?

According to articles I’ve read at several prestigious airport terminals, Rice Queens are attracted to Mr. Asian Man because they believe his cultural upbringing engenders him with qualities desirable for the ideal mate (both as a husband and father). They see traits like an exceptional work ethic, loyalty to family, polite manners and a healthy appreciation for education. Rice Kings, on the other hand, see Mulan.

As strong as this attraction is for members of Rice’s Royal Court, there is an equally strong aversion some Asians have for dating one another. Why? There are several theories out there that discredit my own, so I will not present those. Please note, I have met many beautiful, wonderful Asian women in my life – some who would even talk to me. My thesis is from an Asian male’s point of view since that is the box I check off on job applications.

The first part of my theory is that Keira Knightly, Rachel Weiz and Anne Hathaway are not Asian. The second part: the fear of Asian women becoming overbearing Asian mothers. And finally, Asian women know our Kryptonites.

Hey, it’s a free world, so you Rice Kings out there keep on pursuing those maidens with the dark brown/black hair. As for you Rice Queens (dim lights, cue Lionel Richie music), why don’t you drop me a line?

Half & Half

Once upon a time I lived next door to a Chinese woman who married a white gentleman from south of the Mason-Dixon line. At their wedding his brother made the following paraphrased speech explaining their inter-racial nuptials: “Let’s see…you Asians are better than us in school. You make better cars than us. And your electronics are better than ours. Well hell, if we can’t beat you out, we’re going to breed you out.”

Obviously this is not why the two tied the knot (I think). No, the real reason they became man and wife was to make “Halvsies”. To answer that quizzical look on your face, “Halvsies” are people who are half-Asian / half-Caucasian or African-American. And in my opinion they are the cutest babies and children in the world (of course I’m biased, but I’d rather be a Halvsie).

It’s hard to explain why they’re so darn adorable. You see, “Halvsies” children have this skin tone that kind of magically glows. And their facial proportions seem “just right”. Chances are you know a “Halvsie” or two; they look like Asian movie characters that are played by white actors or actresses. As a point of reference here are some famous “Halvsies” you might have heard of:

Anne Curry (NBC News)
Mike Shinoda (Linkin Park)
Hines Ward (Pro Football Player)
Keanu Reeves (Actor)
Kristin Kreuk (plays Lana Lang on the TV show Smallville)
Paul Kariya (Pro Hockey Player)
Apollo Ohno (Olympic Athlete)
Jon Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus 8)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (you probably know him as “Zack” from Saved By the Bell)
Sailor Moon

For me, the unbearable cuteness of “Halvsies” children is proof that we human beings were meant to look beyond the color of our skin and live together as one by hooking up with one another. After all, is it just coincidence that you can’t spell “Caucasian” without “Asian”?