The Year of the Banana

Are you non-Asian? Want to impress your Asian (American) friends? Then try wishing them a “Happy New Year” in their ethnic tongue. I know my British friends are impressed when I wish them a “Happy New Year” in their native language. And to make things even more interesting, I’ve planted a rogue translation that really means “son of a bitch” in English.* I like to think of it as verbal Russian Roulette. To help you out, here’s a clue as to which one is the naughty phrase: Mash. Thanks for playing and enjoy!

CHINESE: Xin Nian Kuai Le

CANTONESE (Hong Kong): Sun Leen Fai Lok

JAPANESE: Akimashite Omedetto Gozaimasu

KOREAN: Keh Shipp Sekkya

FILIPINO: Manigong Bagong Taon

THAI: Sawadee Pee Mai

VIETNAMESE: Chuc Mung Tan Nien

*The real translation for the mystery “Happy New Year” is “Saehae Bock Mani Ba Deu Sei Yo”. No, really, it is.

Merry Asian Christmas

When I was a kid I always wondered if Santa would visit the homes of my Jewish friends. Yes I know Christmas is a Christian thing but lets be honest, December 25th has become a pretty secular holiday that now celebrates the bargains we got at Wal-Mart. So is religion still a prerequisite for a visit from Santa? While I can’t speak for everyone, thanks to Google I can speak for a lot of Asian countries. And the answer is a definitive “maybe”.

In Japan less than 1% of its population is Christian. Not surprisingly A Charlie Brown Christmas does not translate well there nor is Christmas recognized as a national holiday. They do, however, celebrate the commercial, decorative and gift-giving aspects of the season. And for whatever reason, many Japanese think of Christmas as a romantic holiday like Valentines Day. Sorry Japanese dude. That means you get 2 “thoughtful” gifts a year versus a gift you would actually want.

Buddhism is the official religion in Thailand. Consequently, outside of a few decorated stores (to appease the tourists), the holiday is as popular there as a gay man at a Promise Keepers rally.

South Korea comes closest to the American ideals of Christmas. For one thing, 30% of the people are Christians. And South Korea is the only East Asian country to recognize December 25th as a national holiday. Korean kids also believe in Santa Claus. And while they acknowledge that he knows if you’ve been sleeping. And he knows when you’re awake. “Mommy” still knows best. Caroling is popular there as is the western tradition of claiming your child was the best Shepard #3 ever in the Christmas Pageant.

The Philippines are home to a whole lot of Catholics who treat Christmas as the biggest holiday of the year. There’s no holding back in the Philippines when it comes to holiday decorating, music and ugly sweaters. And just like American retailers, Filipinos start celebrating Christmas in September.

While China may be kicking our butts economically and in Olympic opening ceremonies, western culture still does exert its fair share of influence there. Sure, Christianity is legal in China but it’s pretty much controlled by the government. As a result, Christmas is not recognized as a public holiday (only in Hong Kong and Macau). Nevertheless, the Chinese do participate in Christmas-like festivities and decorating. And contrary to its reputation as being human rights unfriendly, the Chinese government prohibits radio stations from playing holiday music all day, every day.

So there you have it: a snapshot of Christmas in Asia. While it’s no Norman Rockwell portrait, I hope it paints a good enough picture that reminds us that no matter where you celebrate the holiday, it’s impossible to shop for your parents.

Spared

It’s cold and flu season. Which means mothers everywhere will be bringing out their home remedies to heal their loved ones. Korean moms are no different except in one way: their cure-all involves torture.

When my non-Asian friends got sick, their moms would come up with concoctions that would hug you like a nice, warm Snuggie. Korean mothers, however, have no time for sugarcoating. They’ll instead bind you in a blanket woven of children’s nightmares and call it Han-Yak.

Imagine if Celestial Seasonings made a Sleepytime “Bile” tea. That is Han-Yak. It’s a murky brown, herbal tea made with some pricey ingredients. Before they become illegal these included such appetizing items as gall bladders of bears, testicles of seals and horns of a rhinoceros. Apparently Eye of Newt was not indigenous to Korea. Nowadays Han-Yak is made with eco-friendly things like dried deer antlers, sea horses, bats, scorpions and centipedes. Why yes, it does taste as good as it sounds. And it gives you some terrible flatulence (versus gas like mine which smells like roses).

Han-Yak isn’t just for colds and flus. This is a miracle drug that supposedly heals nearly every ailment known – and unknown – to mankind. When asked if they have any proof that Han-Yak really works, a Korean maternal figure will just tell you “Mommy knows” then force some more down your throat.

Maybe we couldn’t afford it. Or maybe it was the Geneva Convention. Whatever the reason, my mother thankfully didn’t make Han-Yak for my sister and I. When we got sick it was ginger root tea with a spoonful of honey. But I’ve heard many a sad panda-face tale about Han-Yak. In fact, just mentioning it can cause a Korean adult to ball up in the fetal position, shivering in fear. Let’s see NyQuil do that.

The Godmother

This season on Glee there was an episode where the two Asian characters discovered a member of their glee club sabotaged a fellow Asian’s audition by sending her to a crack house. When asked how they found out, the offended Asians told the culprit that “word gets around quickly in the Asian community.” This line made me laugh so hard I snorted out my lactose-free milk. Moreover, this scene tickled my funny bone because it reminded me of what I call Asian Mafias.

These aren’t criminal organizations like the Triads or mortgage lenders. Asian Mafias are information mongers whose contraband is gossip. They were doing social media before things like Twitter, Facebook or even the internet ever existed. And membership is easy enough: all you have to be is an Asian mother.

Don’t let their diminutive stature and friendly smiles fool you. When Asian mothers get together it’s like a feeding frenzy of sharks hungry for chit-chat. Think of the Asian Mafia as a living, breathing embodiment of Wikipedia but with a perm. If you want to know anything about anyone in your local Asian American community, talk to a member of the Asian Mafia. They’ll tell you everything you want to know, especially about someone’s children.

Did you hear about Mrs. Kim’s son? “Top of class at medical school but no married!” Mrs. Song’s daughter? “She go Harvard but she so fat!” Of course as their doctrine dictates an Asian Mafia Mother must also sacrifice some information about her own children e.g. “My son, he good Christian but so stupid!”

Yes, my mother is part of our town’s Korean Mafia. I do, however, have to admit membership does have its privileges. Like in any gang, “the family” takes care of each other. For example, a few weeks ago my dad was in the hospital for surgery. During that time we were having a few issues with some of the facility’s personnel. When one of the Korean Mafia Mothers who worked at the hospital got wind of this, she asked me if I wanted her to “take care of things” (I declined her low murmured invitation).

To be fair the Asian Mafia is more social club than social menace. But heed this warning from the movie The Godfather: “Don’t ever take sides with anyone against the family again. Ever.” Or you’ll face the wrath of an Asian mother’s stank eye.

Seoul Food

There’s a crisis in South Korea and it doesn’t involve Kim Jong Il or karaoke. No, this crisis involves kimchi.

For those unfamiliar with the staple food of God’s chosen people, kimchi is basically spicy fermented Napa cabbage. It’s eaten with almost every meal in Korea as a banchan (side dish) and making it is like a big tradition for many families (right next to making the kids take piano lessons). Unfortunately poor weather conditions have created a massive shortage of Napa cabbage this year, resulting in soaring prices for this cherished vegetable. The result: a miniscule supply of kimchi that’s more expensive than ever.

Now I’m sure many of you are shrugging your shoulders and saying “cosi che cosa?” Let me try and put this in perspective for you. Imagine if there was no cable television in this country, a drought of Guinness in Ireland, an American suburb without a Chili’s or a shortage of chewing tobacco in Ohio. That’s what kind of emergency this is. Kimchi is that important to Koreans.

In Korea people don’t say “cheese” for the camera; they say “kimchi”. The average South Korean eats 75 pounds of kimchi a year. You can find kimchi-flavored chips and ice cream in Korean grocery stores. Seoul is the home of a kimchi museum. My people invented a kimchi that Korean astronauts could eat in outer space. I’ve heard Korean exchange students say they miss their kimchi more than their families. I’ve heard stories of broken engagements because the Korean bride-to-be couldn’t make a decent batch of kimchi. I’ve heard Jackie Chan sing a duet with Ani DiFranco.

So next time you see one of your Korean friends – or even a stranger – give them a hug. You might even want to throw a few shekels their way. Whatever you do, let them know you feel their kimchi pain.

Lights. Camera. Wontons.

If you’re a struggling Caucasian actor or actress may I suggest a jaunt over to Asia? Apparently there is a growing demand in the Far East for performers who can look and act, well, white.

As I blog many corporations in China are hiring white people to play the roles of an employee, foreign dignitary or executive officer that works for an overseas company doing business in the world’s most populous nation. Apparently these companies feel it makes their organization look more upscale and important to potential investors and clients if there are Caucasians in the house. And it’s not just in China. Businesses in other Asian nations have caught white fever too.

So who are these budding stars of the Asian boardroom? Right now the talent pool is made up of unemployed actors and actresses, models, ex-pats, English language teachers and the original cast of California Dreams. But a word of warning if you’re thinking “Hey! I’m pretty white! I could do this!” There is not a lot of money or prestige in the business impersonator profession. “White” acting opportunities in Asia, however, aren’t limited to just the cubicles of commerce.

If you can speak the language you have a shot at making it onto the Asian 1080p screen. Oddly enough many white TV performers play employees, foreign dignitaries and executive officers from an overseas company. Yet there are some who have landed such plum roles as mixed-marriage spouse and tourist. H-E-Double hockey sticks, I once even saw a commercial with a Korean-speaking white dude pitching some powerful ramen noodles. And his Korean was better than mine – which really isn’t saying much. A rock could speak better Korean than I do.

You never know. One day people will pay Caucasians to act like their friends. Oh, wait. We already do that. They’re called fraternities and sororities.

Headshot

People born before 1970 moving their bodies to modern dance music. Catching your parents in “the act”. These are just some things in life that could be best described as disturbing. I would now like to add another item to that list: kids getting Botox injections.

According to a 2009 survey taken by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, nearly 12,000 Botox injections were administered to American teenagers between the ages of 13 and 19. And most of those faces belonged to Asian Americans. To be honest, in the words of Lindsay Lohan’s probation officer, I’m not surprised.

A lot of Asian faces are chiseled with pronounced, square jaws. To remedy this supposed malady Asian American teenagers have started turning to the needle to reshape their lower faces. A lot of Asian parents are okay with this because the use of Botox is as common as bad pop music in Southeast Asia, China and Korea. In other words, a book in Asia is in fact judged by its cover.

Before you wag your finger of moral disapproval remember this: people are superficial in every race and culture. I just think Asians are more accepting of their superficiality. In Asian society there is no moral or public outrage over women (and men to some degree) obsessing about their body image. Being preoccupied with thinness is not considered wrong. Outward appearances are not only a reflection of you but of your family as well.

Like a lot of other first-generation Asian Americans I’ve dismissed a lot of the social conventions of status and beauty penned by our parent’s culture. So yes, I do have a problem with this teen trend of using Botox. And it’s not because I will always be the “before” picture when it comes to physical looks.

Maybe I’m under the influence of Oprah but for me this just reinforces the insecurities of a lot of young people. I mean, it’s fine if you want Botox as an adult, but these are just kids. Let them enjoy the carefree days of youth before they have to deal with things like jobs, mortgages and, well, kids.

So young people (especially you Asian Americans): put the needle down. You are looking at life through a small window of time. Enjoy your bodies now because after 30 it’s all downhill from there.

When Silence is Golden

Sometimes people say things that lack thoughtfulness or enlightenment. Although no malice may be intended, the guilty words can be quite annoying. For example, when non-Asian strangers try to make small talk with Asian Americans (like myself) they often surrender their common sense and serve up insightful gems like:

“You’re [Asian nationality]? I know someone that’s [Asian nationality]!”
What we say: “Really? That’s interesting.”
What we’d like to say: “Wow. That’s amazing. You know what that makes us? Absolutely nothing.”

“Do you know [Pick an Asian name, any Asian name]?”
What we say: “Sorry. I don’t.”
What we’d like to say: “What makes you think all bajillion of us Asians know each other?!?!? You, my friend, are a portrait of stupidity…by the way, are you talking about [Asian name] that owns the dry cleaners on Broadway?”

“Would you feel more comfortable using chopsticks?”
(A well-meaning woman said this to me as she served her family and I a spaghetti dinner.)
What we say: “No thank you. A fork will be fine.”
What we’d like to say: “You’re pretty talkative for a geisha.”

“Hey, can you build me a TV?”
(Or something that resorts to Asian stereotypes like engineering-inclinations. Normally said by some self-anointed funny guy at a social gathering.)
What we say: “[Polite laughter]. Sorry, I can’t.”
What we’d like to say: “Can you spell TV?”

“Where are you from?”
(People over the age of 55 tend to be the culprits of this one.)
What we say: “Well, my parents are from [Asian nation]. I was born in this country.”
What we’d like to say: “I’m from Uranus” followed by some juvenile giggling.

“What kind of doctor are you?”
What we say: “Internal medicine.” (Or in my case, “Unfortunately my grades kept me out of med school.”)
What we’d like to say: “I’m the Doctor of Love. And my sweet lovin’ is gonna cure what ails you.”

“Hey! Jackie Chan!”
(This was actually said to me by a woman at a grocery store. Plays to the fact that people think all Asians look alike and Jackie Chan is the only Asian celebrity they can name.)
What I said: [Politely smiled then walked away]
What I should have said: “Hey, hey, hey! It’s Fat Albert!”

Electoral Dysfunction

Well, the primary elections are over. And what did we learn? For the most part we Asian Americans really aren’t political animals.

Oh, we vote. And we definitely have our party preferences and own some pretty strong opinions. Just talk to any Asian mother and she’ll be more than happy to be the jury on anything and everything.

We just don’t post signs on our lawns telling the cul-de-sac which president, congressperson, mayor, sheriff, judge, water commissioner, proposal and Dancing with the Stars contestant will get our vote. We don’t put bumper stickers on our cars declaring our feelings on abortion or the war in Iraq or to not move firewood. We might “like” something on Facebook but that’s pretty much all you’ll get out of us publicly.

The thing is a lot of Asian Americans do vote Democrat or Republican. They might even consider themselves liberal or conservative. But we don’t let politics be the spokesperson for who we are as individuals. To us it’s something you don’t advertise.

Politics is a private issue like if we prefer being on top or bottom.

Let’s face it. People are quick to form an opinion about a person based on what box he or she fills in on a ballot. Asian Americans prefer to be judgmental in other ways such as what school you went to, your weight, the cuteness of your children\grandchildren and (if you’re a Korean woman) the quality of your kim-chi.

I think this all goes back to the idea of Asian Americans being the “silent” minority. We’re taught to work hard, practice the piano and keep quiet. Don’t draw attention to yourself or rock the boat. Now and then I do see a few rogue Asian Americans share their politics with the world. But they’re like good Asian basketball players: a minority within a minority.

No matter which way you swing politically I encourage everyone this November to exercise your right to vote. Sadly, however, this is the only kind of exercise a lot of Americans will get all year.

What's for Dinner?

Besides being a place for Jewish people to go to on Christmas day, Chinese restaurants have become as part of America as Red Lobsters and Cracker Barrels. Unlike their Yankee cousins, however, Chinese and other Asian restaurants have what are known as “secret” menus.

Ask for one and the waiter or waitress might give you a nervous laugh, scowl or the dreaded stink eye of Asian mother. Or they could actually give you a menu (which is probably not written in English, so good luck with that). Why the cloak and dagger act?

For one thing these menus represent what they really eat over in Asia. They’re dishes that don’t necessarily appeal to typical gringo tastes. So the fear is they could be detrimental to a restaurant’s reputation, creating the need for a “secret” menu for its Asian customers. In other words, Emperor Zhu Yuanzhang was not ordering things like #23 Sesame Chicken and #44 Beef & Broccoli during the Ming Dynasty. And he did not finish off his dinner with a fortune cookie either…in bed.

What I call authentic Asian food tends to have really strong flavors and very sharp aromas. That’s why my parents have a fridge at their house specifically for their Korean food (otherwise you get kim-chi smelling Kraft cheese product). Consequently, many Asian restaurants water down their flavors to Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee levels. A lot of Asian recipes also call for parts of the animal Americans typically don’t like e.g. colons, lungs, feet and hearts. Oddly enough we Americans will eat these ingredients when you mix them up together and call it a hot dog.

Don’t get mad at the China Palace or House of Chang in your neighborhood. They’re just trying to make American customers happy by sparing you from potentially offensive tastes and smells. And I’m sure other ethnic restaurants have their versions of “secret” menus too. In fact, I’m starting to suspect some American-based restaurants have theirs. For example, some people say White Castle has good hamburgers but I have yet to find them on their menu.

Right Hair, Right Now

I need a haircut.

The thing is, I’m Asian. And being Asian means I have Asian hair. So finding someone who can cut my hair properly can be difficult. Not to generalize, but white people are not very good at cutting Asian hair.

It’s not your fault Caucasian hair stylist. But going to you is like going to an eye doctor for a toothache. You see, Asian hair tends to be heavy, straight, coarse, resistant to change and stubborn about coloring. It doesn’t behave like white people’s hair. I think that’s one reason why people think Asians look all the same: we have like three to four styles of haircuts. Not surprisingly you see many Asian women modeling long, straight hair. As they mature they tend to transition to a perm look. Think of it as the equivalent of white women wearing mom jeans to signal the end of their youth.

Throughout the years many Asians (including me) have tried to copy the hairstyles of the white and famous. For example, I remember seeing one young hipster trying to pull off the James Dean look. Sadly his rebel-without-a-cause bouffant just made him look like Kim Jong-Il. And I know from personal experience that highlighting dark Asian locks takes drums of hair-coloring chemicals. Maybe we do all this to assimilate to American culture. Or perhaps we want to look like celebrities, too. I know I’d rather have a disheveled hairstyle that makes me look teen vampire versus one that makes me look like a PhD candidate.

When I lived in Pittsburgh I went to a Korean hair stylist who “kept it real”. You knew she was no poser because she had pictures of Asian celebrities everywhere…and one of Jesus (Koreans are extremely religious. Not in a “Who Would Jesus Bomb” kind of way. It’s more like “God is watching. Look like you’re busy.”). She was also inexpensive. Unfortunately those who can tame the Asian mane seem to charge by the hair. That’s why I sit here today, letting my tresses grow (really) long.

So next time you see what appears to be an ugly Asian girl don’t be a stranger: please come up and say “hi” to me.

Girls Just Wanna Have ???

Welcome to an America where 1 in 7 marriages are interracial or interethnic. So says a 2008 study and a 2009 phone survey done by the Pew Research Center. According to them the percentage of Americans who marry outside their race or ethnicity breaks down like this:

Whites 9%
Blacks 16%
Hispanics 26%
Militia Members 29%*
Asians 31%
*Obviously this line is a joke. The actual study focused on members of the human race not lemmings.

Of the Asians who “married out”, 20% of them were males while a whopping 40% were females. Why the discrepancy? If you believe the stereotypes it’s because Asian women are opportunists making a business decision. Their determination to climb America’s social ladders means face-palming Asian suitors. That to really become an American they need to be with a white guy and a PayPal account. Based on my own experience and other Asian-centric blogs nothing could be further from the truth.

Asian women in this country are more confident and have a greater sense of independence than their Far East brethren. Their husbands don’t define who they are so they’re pickier about whom they want to marry. So why isn’t that person Mr. Asian Man?

Well, a lot of Asian females find the Asian male too effeminate with bodies so girlish dating one would make them a lesbian. They think Asian men are, as my sister so eloquently puts it, too wimpy. To be fair, Asian mothers will do that to you. Being risk-aversive, shy and straight-laced is nice if you’re a kitten. Asian maidens like dudes who are athletic and socially outgoing: two things that aren’t on a lot of Asian male résumés. And Asian ladies nowadays want taller guys with more hair on their body than a woman’s. In other words, if the Asian man were a paint color he would be pink.

Are Asian women just buying into stereotypes themselves? Maybe. As a banana, however, I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t have my own (probably misguided) perceptions about marrying another Asian. Except for the whole Dragon Lady thing. That part is true no matter what the Pew Research Center says.

Kids Will be Kids

This solicited a chuckle from me. One of my sister’s friends knows this married Asian-American couple (that’s not the funny part) who just adopted two white kids (commence polite laughter). I say it’s about time. After all, for decades Americans have been adopting children from Asia. Think of this as returning the favor.

 There’s no doubt these adopted white kids will face a few social challenges and will be treated by some as a TLC-program novelty. For one thing, do you call them Asian-Americans? But if Asian tykes can adjust why can’t their Caucasian counterparts? I mean, I think adopted Asian toddlers know they’re not exactly like mommy and daddy or mommy and mommy or daddy and daddy. For instance, one of my white friends had a niece that was adopted from Korea. When I met the baby for the first time she just kept staring at me (the girl, not the friend). I’m sure she was thinking, “Wait a minute…you’re not like these other pale-faces…you look like me…and I just pooped.”

Here’s another thought: I know a lot of white parents want their Asian kids to retain parts of their racial identity, so they try to teach them things about their Asian heritage. But what exactly do Asian parents do so their white kids don’t lose their “whiteness”?

Will they give their children gold stars for every little thing they do? Will they take them on trips to J. Crew and Pottery Barn so they never forget where they “came from”? For their elementary school’s Culture Day will they wear a kimono or khakis? Will they make them eat mayo?

It’s befuddling how most people will accept a white couple with an adopted minority child. But if a minority couple adopts a white child it’s considered weird.

I don’t know the Asian-American couple’s motivation for adopting white children. Call me a dreamer but I’d like to think that they did it not because they thought of themselves as Asian-American parents. They just wanted to be parents. And yes, there are those who stipulate people should adopt kids from their own race. To them I say: go adopt some if you think it’s so important. To me love is love and race or color doesn’t matter when a child just needs someone to hold them so they can spit-up.

Who knows? Maybe someday the racial lines of “being a family” will be so blurred that more and more Asians will be adopting the white children of Hollywood celebrities. One can only hope.

America: Now in Stereotype

This year, for the first time ever, a young Muslim Arab-American was crowned Miss USA. Instead of celebrating this cultural milestone we had some conservative talking heads playing to American stereotypes about Muslims by linking her to different terrorist organizations. I swear if Jesus Christ walked amongst us today he would be racially profiled in this country as a terrorist (unless you’re one of those who believe Jesus was a white American born in O’ little town of Bethlehem…Pennsylvania). Well maybe it’s time to look in the mirror at some stereotypes the rest of the world have about Americans.

There’s the one about Americans being lazy. Sure, you’ll find some loafers in the American workplace. They’re called Abercrombie & Fitch employees. But I’m sure a supervisor at a Taiwanese factory would describe some of his 5-year old child laborers as being lazy, too. My point is I think “laziness” is a relative term. On the other hand, I do think we Americans are lazy when it comes to our bodies. We love anything that helps us avoid exercise, like that vibrating contraption you strap around your gut that supposedly gives you a workout while you just sit there. Next thing you know people will start believing in magic pills that help you lose weight.

A lot of people think Americans are insensitive. I would argue we’re too sensitive. Yes, we live in a country where we put our old people into homes once they become inconvenient. But we also live in a country where everyone gets a trophy for showing up and people don’t keep score at kid’s sporting events so that no one’s feelings get hurt. Come on, America. Stop being so overprotective. If you don’t let kids fall how will they ever learn how to get back up? Or how to seek vengeance?

There’s the stereotype that Americans believe everybody in the world wants to be like us. I’m proud of our country but to think everything here is better is naive. For example, we complain soccer is boring yet baseball is our national pastime. We find escargot gross but eat things called McNuggets. We’re the supposed entertainment capital of the world yet there’s nothing on TV. We say we have the best education system of any country but when our kids get bad grades it’s the school’s fault. We dismiss British reverence for the Royal Family yet we treat The Jonas Brothers and Olson Twins like royalty. Americans complain Chinese-made products are shoddy but we fix the SAME stretches of highways and roads EVERY summer.

The bottom line: stereotypes are not healthy or good for anyone. So please. Watch an interview with our new Miss USA and you’ll see she’s no terrorist. She’s just another typical dumb beauty queen.

Do You See What I See?

Cultures, like people, can see the same thing in completely opposite ways. For example, many Asians view computer operating system “Microsoft Works” as an oxymoron. Americans see, well, um, the same thing. Okay. Bad example. But here are some better ones where Asians (over in Asia) and Americans look at things differently:

KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken)

American Perception: Gastronomical nirvana wrapped in a blanket of 11 magical herbs and spices.

Asian Perception (specifically the Chinese, as relayed to me by someone from China): They too cherish a bucket of the Colonel’s finger-licking goodness…except for them the least desirable offering is the drumstick (prized by Americans), which is head-scratching coming from a culture that enjoys eating chicken’s feet.

Outback Steakhouse

American Perception: The Bloomin’ Onion.

Asian Perception (specifically the Korean, as told to me by someone who did business for said eatery in Korea): Revered as a fancy-pants restaurant meant for life’s special occasions. Whether you’re trying to impress a business client, or win someone’s heart, Outback Steakhouse is THE bistro of choice for Koreans when The Olive Garden just won’t do.

Costco

American Perception: Crowded. Free food samples. Ten-gallon sized bottles of ketchup and 100-count packages of toilet paper. Elderly people determined to highlight your receipt as you leave.      

Asian Perception: It’s the same thing in Asia except for the types of food sold in bulk. My only suggestion is that if you ever go to a Costco in Japan avoid things like the Kirkland Signature brand of fugu (poisonous blowfish).  

Starbucks

American Perception: Everyone claims to dislike their coffee\business yet they’re on almost every American street corner filled with the likes of business people, soccer moms and art school students modeling anti-corporate t-shirts.

Asian Perception: Very popular in Asia right now where it’s “cool” to like their coffee because of their perceived global-ness. Asian caffeine fiends prefer their coffee to be lighter and sweeter than a typical cup of American Joe. A lot of Starbucks stores in Asia also tend to be more tea-oriented. In due time the Starbucks gift card will soon be the “default” gift in Asia as it is in America.

Making Whoopee

American Perception: The Birds & The Bees are still somewhat of a taboo subject here even though it’s on the minds and computers of Americans everywhere.

Asian Perception (information culled from a recent Time Asia magazine article): Most of Asia is going through a sexual revolution fed by western images beamed in by satellite TV, the internet and globalization. Unlike the naughty Japanese, many Asians used to be too poor or conservative for hanky-panky. Now thanks to newfound economic power and wealth, more and more Asians view going horizontal as being more fun than function. They’re more open and adventurous about what goes on in the bedroom. For better or for worse, however, many Asian females have also discovered the American custom of “faking it”. 

Why?

A production company in L.A. recently posted the following casting call: “We need attractive Asian-Americans with lively, strong and unique personalities…especially individuals who know about and\or experienced the Koreatown life…if you are not Asian but are obsessed with Asian culture or people in some way, email us and please explain.” Yes, they’re planning to make an Asian-American version of MTV’s Jersey Shore.

While I may not know exactly whom they’re going to typecast for this show, I can at least share with you the kind of Asian-Americans characters you might see based on my own life experiences. So without further ado, I give you my version of K-Town…

• Wu Hu: Militant Chinese-American gal who accuses anyone who doesn’t embrace his or her Asian heritage as being a “sell-out”. Asian Studies major. Feels one of the few good things about America is that everything is made in China. And Kentucky Fried Chicken.

• Faith Song: Super religious Korean-American gal. Active in her Korean church’s young adults group. Drives the church van with Korean lettering on the side. She’s the one that buys those Christian Pop compilations advertised on TV from Time-Life Music. 

• Bill Yomama: Japanese-American guy. Heavily involved with activities that look good on grad school applications. Culturally well-adjusted e.g. Goes to “public” Ivy school to fit in with other Asians. Purposely misuses the word “ironic” to fit in with white people.

• Harry Chin: Chinese-American banana guy. His conundrum: he’s attracted to banana girls who won’t date other Asians. Caucasian Status is level 9 i.e. one of the few Asians in America who actually uses flat sheets as part of their bedding ensemble.

• Tracy Roboto: Studious and quiet Japanese-American gal who keeps to herself. Accomplished academically and on the violin. Even too geeky for other Asian-American geeks (and not in a lovable Glee kind of way).     

• Grant Park: Korean-American guy who’s very flashy with his parent’s money from their dry cleaning\gas station\party store businesses. Thinks he’s funny but is not; just yells “boo-yah!” all the time and rips off lines said by Stifler from the American Pie movies.     

• Mia Ho: Promiscuous Chinese-American gal. Trophy girlfriend. Nickname is Lucky Strike because guys think she’s “smoking hot” and her wanton nature. Oblivious parents think it’s because she’s a very good bowler.  

• Rhy S. Queen: White gal from San Francisco suburbs. Wants to be Asian so much she went into engineering. Desperately wants to date\marry a Chinese, Filipino, Japanese or Korean guy because “Once you go bamboo, only Asians will do.”

Oh Beautiful For........

Despite its affections for Rachel Ray there is a lot of things Asian-Americans love about America. These are things that are unique to the Red, White and Blue. And the following is a mix-tape of some objects of our affection:

The All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet – When it comes to food Asians are a lot like Tiger Woods: we enjoy variety. That’s why Asian meals are typically some sort of family-style concoction where you have a little of this and a little of that. We don’t want our food to have a theme. We like diversity with our meals. And the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet accommodates this aversion to committing to one entrée of food. You see, we want to have our cake and eat soup, salad, fried chicken, spare ribs, macaroni & cheese, roast beef, mashed potatoes and frozen dairy dessert, too. 

Tupperware and its many cousins like Gladware – Asian parents do not believe in throwing out ANYTHING. So when you open up one of their refrigerators you will find it stuffed with food in a menagerie of storage containers. Thanks to these receptacles our parents can now keep leftovers forever. And they do. So while the meek shall inherit the earth, the Asian-American will inherit tons of Tupperware containers filled with suspicious looking food.      

American Idol winner Taylor Hicks – Asians and Asian-Americans are no strangers to racist remarks. Yet no matter how much we may be bullied by a few ignorant white people, we’ll always have this handy rebuttal: at least we didn’t vote for Taylor Hicks to be the next American Idol.  

Complimentary Napkins at Fast Food Restaurants – When most people eat at a fast food restaurant they usually leave a few pounds heavier. Asian people, however, leave with a stack of paper napkins. To be fair they are free. And apparently in the old country that is some sort of invitation to stuff as many as you can into your pockets or purse. So forget Brawny and Bounty. When it comes to paper napkins the Asian’s choice is McDonalds.    

Words – For many Asians the beauty of the English language is not in its prose but rather its appearance. Asians will often string English words together in a way that makes absolute no sense (much like local sports talk radio hosts). They just like the way a word or words looks. For example, there’s a food in China whose packaging promises “Fresh new feeling of the new flu.” In Japan there is a hair salon called “Pooooo!” Back in China you can find a tool named “The Family Hacksaw”. A Korean clothing ad reads “Take Me Country Load…BANG BANG”. And one of my favorites belongs to a Chinese box for a real bullet-shooting gun. It says “Polish Gun: The Best for Children”.         

Hell Hath No Fury Like an Asian Scorned

A typical conversation with an Asian mother…

Mom: “That’s okay. I’ll just let my body slowly and painfully wither away as it feeds off itself due to a lack of food. Maybe there’s some dirt outside I could eat so I don’t go hungry. Is that okay or will that be too noisy for you? The important thing is I don’t inconvenience you.”

You: “Fine. I’ll go to the store and pick up some Ritz crackers.”

The point of this performance is to demonstrate how Asians favor the melodramatic. We don’t cry, we wail. We don’t get mad, we wail. We don’t Jenga, we wail. If you ever get the chance, watch a non-reality TV show from Asia. I was viewing one with my parents once. It was basically an hour of people gasping in disbelief, anguish, suffering and of course, wailing. When I asked the people who made me what kind of drama this was, they informed me this was a comedy.  

Why all the theatrics? I would argue that when it comes to emotional situations Asians don’t know how to react, so we overreact. Dr. Woo Jong-Min, a psychiatrist at Paik Hospital (in Seoul, Korea), agrees. According to him, “[Koreans] are particularly vulnerable to vexation in daily life. They don’t know how to quell and vent anger. They have learned to compete at their schools and workplaces, but never learned how to relax and vent their frustrations.”

You need to understand that Asian culture is not one of self-help books and Dr. Phil. We don’t voluntarily take a year off to “recharge our batteries”. We’re taught to take responsibility for everything. I think one of the appeals of Caucasian culture to Bananas like me is this willingness to get in touch with your emotions and blame other people’s political party for all our problems. I’m not saying Asian culture is this robotic, unfeeling thing or that it’s wrong. After all, we’re big on meditation. It’s just different.

Well, it’s time for me to go and watch Jerry Springer to feel better about myself.  

A Short Track Mind

The Winter Olympics are over and once again curling will join the Detroit Lions as the butt of all sports jokes. Besides the athletes in the Olympic Village going through 100,000 condoms in a week, one of the things I’ll remember most about the Vancouver Games is short track speed skating. If you haven’t seen it before, short track is basically roller derby on ice. And it’s a sport dominated by Asians and Asian halfsies alike. But why does this cardiovascular activity favor people who look like me? To find out I consulted a few bottles of beer and came up with these answers:

Form. The preferred walking posture for many Asians is to have their hands behind their back while leaning forward: the same exact pose short track skaters use when racing. In contrast many Caucasians prefer to have their arms to their side when walking or dancing.     

Small Spaces. With so many Asians in the world and not enough Universities to house them, nations like Japan and Korea tend to be very congested. As a result they have developed this innate sense of how to navigate crowds in tight spaces while knocking down Canadians, perfect for short track skating. 

Number Two. Perhaps one of the best training grounds in the world for short track is the Asian restroom. You see, this is a sport where you really need to stay low to the ground. And in many Asian countries toilets tend to sit really, really low – some even at ground level. As silly as this may sound to some people, is there really any dignified way to do what medical doctors call pooping?

Leftists. Asians have a natural inclination to lean left, which, by the way, is the same direction short track skaters race. This tendency stems from the way Asians read. While western cultures read from left to right, Asian cultures go from right to left. Having their books spines on the opposite side of ours, however, doesn’t mean the opposite happens in Asian versions of western literature. For example, at the end of the Chinese version of The DaVinci Code you still find out that Dan Brown is an overrated author.    

Banana Noir

They say to really understand a person you need to walk a mile in a pair of their shoes. Well I’m inviting you to walk in a pair of Asian-American loafers where the back cuff is so smashed down the shoe becomes a slipper. So get out your Netflix wish list because I’m giving you five movies that capture (in some part) the Asian-American experience: 

The Joy Luck Club

This adaptation of Amy Tan’s novel of the same name is Asian-America’s answer to Beaches. In other words it’s a chic flick that’s supposed to make you cry (I swear I did not shed a tear watching this movie. An American Tail? Now THAT made me cry.). It’s basically about young Chinese-American women bridging the gap with their Old World mothers. Mercifully unlike Beaches there is no horrible Wind Beneath My Wings type song on the soundtrack. 

The Wedding Banquet

It’s about a Taiwanese guy living in New York City. The thing is he’s gay and to make his oblivious parents happy he marries a Chinese woman. Well, his folks decide to come to America to throw him a big wedding. What follows is a series of funny, sad and poignant moments that all lead to a thoughtful conclusion about unconditional love. Surprisingly gay people don’t make Asian parents terribly nervous. That’s because they believe gay people aren’t indigenous to their home country. It’s like Margaret Cho once said (imitating her mother): “Mommy know there is The Gay all over the world – except Korea!” Speaking of which…

I’m the One that I Want

A live concert film documenting Margaret Cho’s one-woman show. If you’ve ever seen Asian standup comedians from Asia, well, they’re about as comical as Sinbad. Cho, however, is I-laughed-so-hard-I-couldn’t-hold-in-my-fart funny. She’s raunchy, political, introspective and no one does a better imitation of the quintessential Korean mother.

Better Luck Tomorrow

This movie is about a group of model Asian-American high school students who get tired of being model Asians. So they become a gang of small-time criminals. It’s an interesting look at how Asian-American kids deal with the high expectations heaped upon them.  How did I deal with the pressure? Break dancing.  

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

Perhaps no movie represents the banana’s world like this film classic. No, seriously. You have the personal struggles of trying not to become an Asian stereotype. White Castle. The inner-turmoil of falling in love with a non-Asian. Racist cops. Getting recruited by missionaries from Asian college student groups. And of course, Neil Patrick Harris.  

Yes, I know I ridiculed two of these movies in a previous entry. My point was the scarcity of non-martial arts movies starring Asian-Americans. So please, don’t hate me for this confusion. Hate me because I’m beautiful.   

The Worst Places for Asians to Hide

Even though bananas may be “white” on the inside, there are traditionally Caucasian enclaves where we seem just as out of place as any other Asian. So if you’re into scavenger hunts this list is for you:

Places You Almost Never See the Asian-American

1. At a country music concert (excludes artists who are really pop singers with steel guitars). Oddly enough the first concert I can remember going to starred The Oak Ridge Boys. Nevertheless, you’ll almost never see an Asian in the audience of a concert that involves chewing tobacco or fiddling.
2. That other part of Home Depot\Lowes. You know, the part with the gigantic pieces of lumber, power tools and tradesmen stuff. Which is sad when you consider Asians have built such things as The Great Wall, the Taj Mahal and P.F. Changs.
3. In an American movie role that doesn’t involve the martial arts. Come on Hollywood. All we get is “The Joy Luck Club” and “Harold and Khumar Go to White Castle”?
4. At a hunting\outdoorsman store. Apparently we don’t need things like guns to hunt and defend ourselves because of our strong martial arts skills. 
5. Behind the wheel of a pick-up truck. I guess if you’re a doctor or engineer a vehicle that can haul a two-ton load really isn’t necessary. 
6. In a wedding dance line doing the “Electric Slide”. Another thing that perpetuates the stereotype that Asian-Americans are really smart.
7. Renaissance Fairs. Even a race painted as being full of nerds has its limits.
8. At a synagogue. For the life of me I can’t ever remember meeting an Asian who sports a yamaka for his or her religion. I find this surprising because Jews and Asians are both so guilt-ridden, education-oriented, career-minded and have to answer to overbearing mothers.         

Reading, Writing & Kim-Chee

Throughout my life I’ve been lucky enough to have happy memories filled with sunny days, wonderful friends and unicorns.  Yet like everybody else I've had my bad moments too, specifically the ones called “culture school” and “church camp”. 

I can already hear you saying “Awesomeness! I would LOVE to sit in a church basement and learn about my culture!” First of all, you’re looking at this as a rational adult. Try to see this as an irrational child with bowl-cut hair. We weren’t sitting around watching the Travel Channel or doing Korean arts and crafts like making Samsung TVs. We were doing things that involved grades. I’ll be honest with you. I failed culture school. I never did the language lessons because I figured I already mastered the important Korean words and phrases like “mom”, “dad”, “hello”, “I’m hungry” and “fart”. 

Then there was church camp. Imagine an overdramatic soap opera with Korean subtitles. Now get God involved and you have a typical Korean church clique. Put a whole bunch of these cliques together and you have a Korean church camp.

I can already hear you saying “Awesomeness! I would LOVE to hang around Korean campers for a week!” Did I mention the creepy counselors and awkward Christian pop sing-alongs where people close their eyes while swaying back and forth? And think about my raging teenage hormones dealing with modestly dressed girls filled with Pat Robertson goodness in their hearts. I guess my parents thought isolating me with other Koreans would complete my reeducation. Oh, how wrong you were Mr. and Mrs. Lee.

To be fair, there’s probably a good number of Asians who got a lot out of their Asian culture school and church camp experiences. Awesomeness! I think all I got was a t-shirt.   

Absolutely Fob-ulous

Sometimes within a society you’ll see members turn on its own. For example, white people have been known to describe other whites as “Ohioans”. The Canadians have “French Canadians”. And in the Asian-American dictionary you’ll find the word “FOB”: an acronym for “Fresh Off the Boat”.

For many, a FOB is any Asian new to the land of Kardashians, Jersey Shore and Perez Hilton. For others like me, however, a FOB is meant to describe those Asian immigrants who have this propensity to perpetuate (at least in our minds) a lot of racial stereotypes. We’re not talking Gwen Stefani’s Japanese Harajuku Girls here. FOBs are ridiculously studious, obedient to their parents, socially clumsy, poor drivers and oblivious to such American customs as body deodorant. The worst part is many of our parents force us (or at least try) to befriend FOBs.

I’m sure a lot of you are shaking your heads right now thinking, “That’s terrible. They don’t use deodorant?” Yes, FOB is a mean-spirited word drizzled with some insecurity/elitist sprinkles. And both bananas and non-bananas are guilty of being haters. But come on. Does every member of a culture really respect every other member of that same culture?

Keep in mind, however, only Asians can use the word FOB. It’s like any other family dynamic: we can be mean to our own brothers and sisters. You can’t. After all, if Asian-Americans can’t make fun of themselves, who can they make fun of? No, seriously. Who as a group can we tease without getting beat up?