Why?

A production company in L.A. recently posted the following casting call: “We need attractive Asian-Americans with lively, strong and unique personalities…especially individuals who know about and\or experienced the Koreatown life…if you are not Asian but are obsessed with Asian culture or people in some way, email us and please explain.” Yes, they’re planning to make an Asian-American version of MTV’s Jersey Shore.

While I may not know exactly whom they’re going to typecast for this show, I can at least share with you the kind of Asian-Americans characters you might see based on my own life experiences. So without further ado, I give you my version of K-Town…

• Wu Hu: Militant Chinese-American gal who accuses anyone who doesn’t embrace his or her Asian heritage as being a “sell-out”. Asian Studies major. Feels one of the few good things about America is that everything is made in China. And Kentucky Fried Chicken.

• Faith Song: Super religious Korean-American gal. Active in her Korean church’s young adults group. Drives the church van with Korean lettering on the side. She’s the one that buys those Christian Pop compilations advertised on TV from Time-Life Music. 

• Bill Yomama: Japanese-American guy. Heavily involved with activities that look good on grad school applications. Culturally well-adjusted e.g. Goes to “public” Ivy school to fit in with other Asians. Purposely misuses the word “ironic” to fit in with white people.

• Harry Chin: Chinese-American banana guy. His conundrum: he’s attracted to banana girls who won’t date other Asians. Caucasian Status is level 9 i.e. one of the few Asians in America who actually uses flat sheets as part of their bedding ensemble.

• Tracy Roboto: Studious and quiet Japanese-American gal who keeps to herself. Accomplished academically and on the violin. Even too geeky for other Asian-American geeks (and not in a lovable Glee kind of way).     

• Grant Park: Korean-American guy who’s very flashy with his parent’s money from their dry cleaning\gas station\party store businesses. Thinks he’s funny but is not; just yells “boo-yah!” all the time and rips off lines said by Stifler from the American Pie movies.     

• Mia Ho: Promiscuous Chinese-American gal. Trophy girlfriend. Nickname is Lucky Strike because guys think she’s “smoking hot” and her wanton nature. Oblivious parents think it’s because she’s a very good bowler.  

• Rhy S. Queen: White gal from San Francisco suburbs. Wants to be Asian so much she went into engineering. Desperately wants to date\marry a Chinese, Filipino, Japanese or Korean guy because “Once you go bamboo, only Asians will do.”

Oh Beautiful For........

Despite its affections for Rachel Ray there is a lot of things Asian-Americans love about America. These are things that are unique to the Red, White and Blue. And the following is a mix-tape of some objects of our affection:

The All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet – When it comes to food Asians are a lot like Tiger Woods: we enjoy variety. That’s why Asian meals are typically some sort of family-style concoction where you have a little of this and a little of that. We don’t want our food to have a theme. We like diversity with our meals. And the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet accommodates this aversion to committing to one entrée of food. You see, we want to have our cake and eat soup, salad, fried chicken, spare ribs, macaroni & cheese, roast beef, mashed potatoes and frozen dairy dessert, too. 

Tupperware and its many cousins like Gladware – Asian parents do not believe in throwing out ANYTHING. So when you open up one of their refrigerators you will find it stuffed with food in a menagerie of storage containers. Thanks to these receptacles our parents can now keep leftovers forever. And they do. So while the meek shall inherit the earth, the Asian-American will inherit tons of Tupperware containers filled with suspicious looking food.      

American Idol winner Taylor Hicks – Asians and Asian-Americans are no strangers to racist remarks. Yet no matter how much we may be bullied by a few ignorant white people, we’ll always have this handy rebuttal: at least we didn’t vote for Taylor Hicks to be the next American Idol.  

Complimentary Napkins at Fast Food Restaurants – When most people eat at a fast food restaurant they usually leave a few pounds heavier. Asian people, however, leave with a stack of paper napkins. To be fair they are free. And apparently in the old country that is some sort of invitation to stuff as many as you can into your pockets or purse. So forget Brawny and Bounty. When it comes to paper napkins the Asian’s choice is McDonalds.    

Words – For many Asians the beauty of the English language is not in its prose but rather its appearance. Asians will often string English words together in a way that makes absolute no sense (much like local sports talk radio hosts). They just like the way a word or words looks. For example, there’s a food in China whose packaging promises “Fresh new feeling of the new flu.” In Japan there is a hair salon called “Pooooo!” Back in China you can find a tool named “The Family Hacksaw”. A Korean clothing ad reads “Take Me Country Load…BANG BANG”. And one of my favorites belongs to a Chinese box for a real bullet-shooting gun. It says “Polish Gun: The Best for Children”.