Despite its affections for Rachel Ray there is a lot of things Asian-Americans love about America. These are things that are unique to the Red, White and Blue. And the following is a mix-tape of some objects of our affection:
The All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet – When it comes to food Asians are a lot like Tiger Woods: we enjoy variety. That’s why Asian meals are typically some sort of family-style concoction where you have a little of this and a little of that. We don’t want our food to have a theme. We like diversity with our meals. And the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet accommodates this aversion to committing to one entrée of food. You see, we want to have our cake and eat soup, salad, fried chicken, spare ribs, macaroni & cheese, roast beef, mashed potatoes and frozen dairy dessert, too.
Tupperware and its many cousins like Gladware – Asian parents do not believe in throwing out ANYTHING. So when you open up one of their refrigerators you will find it stuffed with food in a menagerie of storage containers. Thanks to these receptacles our parents can now keep leftovers forever. And they do. So while the meek shall inherit the earth, the Asian-American will inherit tons of Tupperware containers filled with suspicious looking food.
American Idol winner Taylor Hicks – Asians and Asian-Americans are no strangers to racist remarks. Yet no matter how much we may be bullied by a few ignorant white people, we’ll always have this handy rebuttal: at least we didn’t vote for Taylor Hicks to be the next American Idol.
Complimentary Napkins at Fast Food Restaurants – When most people eat at a fast food restaurant they usually leave a few pounds heavier. Asian people, however, leave with a stack of paper napkins. To be fair they are free. And apparently in the old country that is some sort of invitation to stuff as many as you can into your pockets or purse. So forget Brawny and Bounty. When it comes to paper napkins the Asian’s choice is McDonalds.
Words – For many Asians the beauty of the English language is not in its prose but rather its appearance. Asians will often string English words together in a way that makes absolute no sense (much like local sports talk radio hosts). They just like the way a word or words looks. For example, there’s a food in China whose packaging promises “Fresh new feeling of the new flu.” In Japan there is a hair salon called “Pooooo!” Back in China you can find a tool named “The Family Hacksaw”. A Korean clothing ad reads “Take Me Country Load…BANG BANG”. And one of my favorites belongs to a Chinese box for a real bullet-shooting gun. It says “Polish Gun: The Best for Children”.
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