Besides being a place for Jewish people to go to on Christmas day, Chinese restaurants have become as part of America as Red Lobsters and Cracker Barrels. Unlike their Yankee cousins, however, Chinese and other Asian restaurants have what are known as “secret” menus.
Ask for one and the waiter or waitress might give you a nervous laugh, scowl or the dreaded stink eye of Asian mother. Or they could actually give you a menu (which is probably not written in English, so good luck with that). Why the cloak and dagger act?
For one thing these menus represent what they really eat over in Asia. They’re dishes that don’t necessarily appeal to typical gringo tastes. So the fear is they could be detrimental to a restaurant’s reputation, creating the need for a “secret” menu for its Asian customers. In other words, Emperor Zhu Yuanzhang was not ordering things like #23 Sesame Chicken and #44 Beef & Broccoli during the Ming Dynasty. And he did not finish off his dinner with a fortune cookie either…in bed.
What I call authentic Asian food tends to have really strong flavors and very sharp aromas. That’s why my parents have a fridge at their house specifically for their Korean food (otherwise you get kim-chi smelling Kraft cheese product). Consequently, many Asian restaurants water down their flavors to Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee levels. A lot of Asian recipes also call for parts of the animal Americans typically don’t like e.g. colons, lungs, feet and hearts. Oddly enough we Americans will eat these ingredients when you mix them up together and call it a hot dog.
Don’t get mad at the China Palace or House of Chang in your neighborhood. They’re just trying to make American customers happy by sparing you from potentially offensive tastes and smells. And I’m sure other ethnic restaurants have their versions of “secret” menus too. In fact, I’m starting to suspect some American-based restaurants have theirs. For example, some people say White Castle has good hamburgers but I have yet to find them on their menu.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Right Hair, Right Now
I need a haircut.
The thing is, I’m Asian. And being Asian means I have Asian hair. So finding someone who can cut my hair properly can be difficult. Not to generalize, but white people are not very good at cutting Asian hair.
It’s not your fault Caucasian hair stylist. But going to you is like going to an eye doctor for a toothache. You see, Asian hair tends to be heavy, straight, coarse, resistant to change and stubborn about coloring. It doesn’t behave like white people’s hair. I think that’s one reason why people think Asians look all the same: we have like three to four styles of haircuts. Not surprisingly you see many Asian women modeling long, straight hair. As they mature they tend to transition to a perm look. Think of it as the equivalent of white women wearing mom jeans to signal the end of their youth.
Throughout the years many Asians (including me) have tried to copy the hairstyles of the white and famous. For example, I remember seeing one young hipster trying to pull off the James Dean look. Sadly his rebel-without-a-cause bouffant just made him look like Kim Jong-Il. And I know from personal experience that highlighting dark Asian locks takes drums of hair-coloring chemicals. Maybe we do all this to assimilate to American culture. Or perhaps we want to look like celebrities, too. I know I’d rather have a disheveled hairstyle that makes me look teen vampire versus one that makes me look like a PhD candidate.
When I lived in Pittsburgh I went to a Korean hair stylist who “kept it real”. You knew she was no poser because she had pictures of Asian celebrities everywhere…and one of Jesus (Koreans are extremely religious. Not in a “Who Would Jesus Bomb” kind of way. It’s more like “God is watching. Look like you’re busy.”). She was also inexpensive. Unfortunately those who can tame the Asian mane seem to charge by the hair. That’s why I sit here today, letting my tresses grow (really) long.
So next time you see what appears to be an ugly Asian girl don’t be a stranger: please come up and say “hi” to me.
The thing is, I’m Asian. And being Asian means I have Asian hair. So finding someone who can cut my hair properly can be difficult. Not to generalize, but white people are not very good at cutting Asian hair.
It’s not your fault Caucasian hair stylist. But going to you is like going to an eye doctor for a toothache. You see, Asian hair tends to be heavy, straight, coarse, resistant to change and stubborn about coloring. It doesn’t behave like white people’s hair. I think that’s one reason why people think Asians look all the same: we have like three to four styles of haircuts. Not surprisingly you see many Asian women modeling long, straight hair. As they mature they tend to transition to a perm look. Think of it as the equivalent of white women wearing mom jeans to signal the end of their youth.
Throughout the years many Asians (including me) have tried to copy the hairstyles of the white and famous. For example, I remember seeing one young hipster trying to pull off the James Dean look. Sadly his rebel-without-a-cause bouffant just made him look like Kim Jong-Il. And I know from personal experience that highlighting dark Asian locks takes drums of hair-coloring chemicals. Maybe we do all this to assimilate to American culture. Or perhaps we want to look like celebrities, too. I know I’d rather have a disheveled hairstyle that makes me look teen vampire versus one that makes me look like a PhD candidate.
When I lived in Pittsburgh I went to a Korean hair stylist who “kept it real”. You knew she was no poser because she had pictures of Asian celebrities everywhere…and one of Jesus (Koreans are extremely religious. Not in a “Who Would Jesus Bomb” kind of way. It’s more like “God is watching. Look like you’re busy.”). She was also inexpensive. Unfortunately those who can tame the Asian mane seem to charge by the hair. That’s why I sit here today, letting my tresses grow (really) long.
So next time you see what appears to be an ugly Asian girl don’t be a stranger: please come up and say “hi” to me.
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