What's for Dinner?

Besides being a place for Jewish people to go to on Christmas day, Chinese restaurants have become as part of America as Red Lobsters and Cracker Barrels. Unlike their Yankee cousins, however, Chinese and other Asian restaurants have what are known as “secret” menus.

Ask for one and the waiter or waitress might give you a nervous laugh, scowl or the dreaded stink eye of Asian mother. Or they could actually give you a menu (which is probably not written in English, so good luck with that). Why the cloak and dagger act?

For one thing these menus represent what they really eat over in Asia. They’re dishes that don’t necessarily appeal to typical gringo tastes. So the fear is they could be detrimental to a restaurant’s reputation, creating the need for a “secret” menu for its Asian customers. In other words, Emperor Zhu Yuanzhang was not ordering things like #23 Sesame Chicken and #44 Beef & Broccoli during the Ming Dynasty. And he did not finish off his dinner with a fortune cookie either…in bed.

What I call authentic Asian food tends to have really strong flavors and very sharp aromas. That’s why my parents have a fridge at their house specifically for their Korean food (otherwise you get kim-chi smelling Kraft cheese product). Consequently, many Asian restaurants water down their flavors to Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee levels. A lot of Asian recipes also call for parts of the animal Americans typically don’t like e.g. colons, lungs, feet and hearts. Oddly enough we Americans will eat these ingredients when you mix them up together and call it a hot dog.

Don’t get mad at the China Palace or House of Chang in your neighborhood. They’re just trying to make American customers happy by sparing you from potentially offensive tastes and smells. And I’m sure other ethnic restaurants have their versions of “secret” menus too. In fact, I’m starting to suspect some American-based restaurants have theirs. For example, some people say White Castle has good hamburgers but I have yet to find them on their menu.