When Silence is Golden

Sometimes people say things that lack thoughtfulness or enlightenment. Although no malice may be intended, the guilty words can be quite annoying. For example, when non-Asian strangers try to make small talk with Asian Americans (like myself) they often surrender their common sense and serve up insightful gems like:

“You’re [Asian nationality]? I know someone that’s [Asian nationality]!”
What we say: “Really? That’s interesting.”
What we’d like to say: “Wow. That’s amazing. You know what that makes us? Absolutely nothing.”

“Do you know [Pick an Asian name, any Asian name]?”
What we say: “Sorry. I don’t.”
What we’d like to say: “What makes you think all bajillion of us Asians know each other?!?!? You, my friend, are a portrait of stupidity…by the way, are you talking about [Asian name] that owns the dry cleaners on Broadway?”

“Would you feel more comfortable using chopsticks?”
(A well-meaning woman said this to me as she served her family and I a spaghetti dinner.)
What we say: “No thank you. A fork will be fine.”
What we’d like to say: “You’re pretty talkative for a geisha.”

“Hey, can you build me a TV?”
(Or something that resorts to Asian stereotypes like engineering-inclinations. Normally said by some self-anointed funny guy at a social gathering.)
What we say: “[Polite laughter]. Sorry, I can’t.”
What we’d like to say: “Can you spell TV?”

“Where are you from?”
(People over the age of 55 tend to be the culprits of this one.)
What we say: “Well, my parents are from [Asian nation]. I was born in this country.”
What we’d like to say: “I’m from Uranus” followed by some juvenile giggling.

“What kind of doctor are you?”
What we say: “Internal medicine.” (Or in my case, “Unfortunately my grades kept me out of med school.”)
What we’d like to say: “I’m the Doctor of Love. And my sweet lovin’ is gonna cure what ails you.”

“Hey! Jackie Chan!”
(This was actually said to me by a woman at a grocery store. Plays to the fact that people think all Asians look alike and Jackie Chan is the only Asian celebrity they can name.)
What I said: [Politely smiled then walked away]
What I should have said: “Hey, hey, hey! It’s Fat Albert!”