Spared

It’s cold and flu season. Which means mothers everywhere will be bringing out their home remedies to heal their loved ones. Korean moms are no different except in one way: their cure-all involves torture.

When my non-Asian friends got sick, their moms would come up with concoctions that would hug you like a nice, warm Snuggie. Korean mothers, however, have no time for sugarcoating. They’ll instead bind you in a blanket woven of children’s nightmares and call it Han-Yak.

Imagine if Celestial Seasonings made a Sleepytime “Bile” tea. That is Han-Yak. It’s a murky brown, herbal tea made with some pricey ingredients. Before they become illegal these included such appetizing items as gall bladders of bears, testicles of seals and horns of a rhinoceros. Apparently Eye of Newt was not indigenous to Korea. Nowadays Han-Yak is made with eco-friendly things like dried deer antlers, sea horses, bats, scorpions and centipedes. Why yes, it does taste as good as it sounds. And it gives you some terrible flatulence (versus gas like mine which smells like roses).

Han-Yak isn’t just for colds and flus. This is a miracle drug that supposedly heals nearly every ailment known – and unknown – to mankind. When asked if they have any proof that Han-Yak really works, a Korean maternal figure will just tell you “Mommy knows” then force some more down your throat.

Maybe we couldn’t afford it. Or maybe it was the Geneva Convention. Whatever the reason, my mother thankfully didn’t make Han-Yak for my sister and I. When we got sick it was ginger root tea with a spoonful of honey. But I’ve heard many a sad panda-face tale about Han-Yak. In fact, just mentioning it can cause a Korean adult to ball up in the fetal position, shivering in fear. Let’s see NyQuil do that.

The Godmother

This season on Glee there was an episode where the two Asian characters discovered a member of their glee club sabotaged a fellow Asian’s audition by sending her to a crack house. When asked how they found out, the offended Asians told the culprit that “word gets around quickly in the Asian community.” This line made me laugh so hard I snorted out my lactose-free milk. Moreover, this scene tickled my funny bone because it reminded me of what I call Asian Mafias.

These aren’t criminal organizations like the Triads or mortgage lenders. Asian Mafias are information mongers whose contraband is gossip. They were doing social media before things like Twitter, Facebook or even the internet ever existed. And membership is easy enough: all you have to be is an Asian mother.

Don’t let their diminutive stature and friendly smiles fool you. When Asian mothers get together it’s like a feeding frenzy of sharks hungry for chit-chat. Think of the Asian Mafia as a living, breathing embodiment of Wikipedia but with a perm. If you want to know anything about anyone in your local Asian American community, talk to a member of the Asian Mafia. They’ll tell you everything you want to know, especially about someone’s children.

Did you hear about Mrs. Kim’s son? “Top of class at medical school but no married!” Mrs. Song’s daughter? “She go Harvard but she so fat!” Of course as their doctrine dictates an Asian Mafia Mother must also sacrifice some information about her own children e.g. “My son, he good Christian but so stupid!”

Yes, my mother is part of our town’s Korean Mafia. I do, however, have to admit membership does have its privileges. Like in any gang, “the family” takes care of each other. For example, a few weeks ago my dad was in the hospital for surgery. During that time we were having a few issues with some of the facility’s personnel. When one of the Korean Mafia Mothers who worked at the hospital got wind of this, she asked me if I wanted her to “take care of things” (I declined her low murmured invitation).

To be fair the Asian Mafia is more social club than social menace. But heed this warning from the movie The Godfather: “Don’t ever take sides with anyone against the family again. Ever.” Or you’ll face the wrath of an Asian mother’s stank eye.