Spared

It’s cold and flu season. Which means mothers everywhere will be bringing out their home remedies to heal their loved ones. Korean moms are no different except in one way: their cure-all involves torture.

When my non-Asian friends got sick, their moms would come up with concoctions that would hug you like a nice, warm Snuggie. Korean mothers, however, have no time for sugarcoating. They’ll instead bind you in a blanket woven of children’s nightmares and call it Han-Yak.

Imagine if Celestial Seasonings made a Sleepytime “Bile” tea. That is Han-Yak. It’s a murky brown, herbal tea made with some pricey ingredients. Before they become illegal these included such appetizing items as gall bladders of bears, testicles of seals and horns of a rhinoceros. Apparently Eye of Newt was not indigenous to Korea. Nowadays Han-Yak is made with eco-friendly things like dried deer antlers, sea horses, bats, scorpions and centipedes. Why yes, it does taste as good as it sounds. And it gives you some terrible flatulence (versus gas like mine which smells like roses).

Han-Yak isn’t just for colds and flus. This is a miracle drug that supposedly heals nearly every ailment known – and unknown – to mankind. When asked if they have any proof that Han-Yak really works, a Korean maternal figure will just tell you “Mommy knows” then force some more down your throat.

Maybe we couldn’t afford it. Or maybe it was the Geneva Convention. Whatever the reason, my mother thankfully didn’t make Han-Yak for my sister and I. When we got sick it was ginger root tea with a spoonful of honey. But I’ve heard many a sad panda-face tale about Han-Yak. In fact, just mentioning it can cause a Korean adult to ball up in the fetal position, shivering in fear. Let’s see NyQuil do that.