Tiger Mother, Hidden Father

This is not a book review. It’s a review of a review done by Time magazine for the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua: a book that has parents and educators as angry as an Asian mom whose kid gets a B+…in anything. I’m not surprised. Tiger Mother is basically an indictment on American parenting skills and our education system. And to some degree, I think she’s right about our “gold star” society.

Within the context of competing in a global economy, a lot of people in our own country have been questioning the quality and effectiveness of secondary (K-12) education in the United States. According to the latest test results from PISA (Program for International Student Assessment), American kids ranked 17^th overall in the subjects of reading, science and math. At number one, the kids from Shanghai. Another study I read about pitted American students who felt they were good in math against Korean kids who thought they were bad in math. Both groups took the same test. Unfortunately that’s all they had in common. The Korean kids scored A’s while the American kids scored C’s. Damn the French judge. If only the Americans could have landed their triple axle.

In regards to parenting skills, that’s pretty subjective. I don’t think there’s only one way to raise a bright and productive child. I do think, however, American parents are way too overprotective and under-demanding. Does making the junior-high honor roll really warrant a bumper sticker? Especially when that person in the other car has a dog that can beat up your honor student. And what’s the point of playing dodge ball without a ball so no one’s feelings get hurt? I call that mime. This isn’t just my opinion. It also belongs to a lot of psychologists, cognitive scientists and mime haters.

According to Hara Estroff Marano, editor-at-large of Psychology Today magazine, “Children who have never had to test their abilities grow into emotionally brittle young adults who are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.” The University of Michigan did a study that contends this generation of young adults will be America’s most narcissistic generation ever. And in regards to an Asian mom’s drill sergeant inclinations, well, University of Virginia psychology professor Daniel Willingham believes “It’s virtually impossible to become proficient at a mental task without extensive practice.” Nonetheless, all psychologists agree (except Tiger Mother ones, of course) threats and name-calling are detrimental to a child’s upbringing.           

Given all that, it’s not like every Chinese, Japanese or Korean person is a doctor. Some are lawyers so they can sue the doctors. And ironically a lot of urban parents as well as educators in China are pushing for a more “American” style of public education. That’s not to say discipline and grades aren’t still important to them. They just want their kids to be allowed to have more creative freedom in school. And for a lot of Asians, the United States still represents the gold standard in higher education.

I’ll conclude my review review with what I consider a valid point from Chua’s book: “Chinese parents assume strength, not fragility.” I do think a lot of parents underestimate the toughness and resiliency of their kids. Sure, you never want to see your child get hurt. But has anyone ever learned how to ride a bike without a few scrapes and bruises? The reality is in life you’re going to fall down – a lot. What’s important is learning how to get back up. 

So, where is the Asian father in all this? From my experience, Asian dads are as militant as their wives. They’re just smart enough to get out of mama’s way. After all, they were probably raised by a Tiger Mother.   

Yo Ma Ma

I’m sure all of you are waiting with bated breath for my take on the “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” article published recently in The Wall Street Journal (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html). Well, go ahead and breathe because here it is: Define success.

For a lot of people (not just Asians), success means being rich. Or as the Koreans say it: reee$$$h. For example, when one of my relatives in Korea was asked why she drove an expensive, gas-guzzling car in a country where petrol costs one child per gallon, she replied “It’s important to look reee$$$h.” So you basically sacrifice everything for the sake of attaining wealth. After all, money lets you do a lot of different things. But is it really worth it if you’re killing yourself trying to make all this money?

I’ve read some articles recently about a lot of lawyers who have regretted their career choice because of the ungodly hours they have to work. Yes, they make a lot of money. But the popular sentiment is that if they had to do it all over again, they would have chosen a different career – even if it paid less. Would that make them less successful people?        

My folks have told me about some families they know of where the dad lives in one state while the rest of the brood lives in another (Yes, they’re Asian). The story usually plays out like this: Papa Bear’s company is moving out of state. Mama Bear doesn’t want to uproot the family. In the interest of maintaining a really nice paycheck, they go with an arrangement where Papa Bear flies in on Friday nights then leaves on Sunday nights. Something about seeing your family two days a week doesn’t sound very successful to me…unless your names are Jon and Kate Gosselin.

It’s okay to own things. Just don’t let the things own you.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big proponent of discipline. I believe in pushing your kids to do well in school so they don’t have to go to THE Ohio State University. And I also feel a lot of parents are marshmallowy soft with their children when they underachieve due to a lack of effort. It’s like what one of my advertising instructors once told me, “You don’t just pick up a guitar and become a rock star. You have to learn the fundamentals first. And that takes hard work.” I think I just asked him where the bathroom was. Anyway, the point is studying is a skill that needs to be learned. And a good education lets you have more options in life. So I’m all for pushing a kid over some proverbial academic hump, my hump, my lovely lady bumps (Sorry, I had Black Eyed Peas for dinner). 

Yes, you can study to be a doctor. I feel, however, there has to be a part of a person that also wants to be a doctor. In other words, I don’t think an angry Asian mother is the best reason to go into medicine. Sure, kids have a hard time seeing the big picture and parents should help them realize there’s more to life than grades K-12. I have a lot of smart friends who are doctors, engineers and other brainy things. They not only all have what I consider great jobs, but they also have and had a balanced life. In fact, I would argue they’re better at their jobs because of that. Those are the people I consider successful.

In a way I agree with the Chinese mother’s principles. It’s just the degree to which she takes it to that makes me grateful for my own parents. Yes, education was important to them. In fact, they could get you to believe that the problems in North Korea were due to my B+ in Physics. But they also gave me the slack to become things like a bad tennis player. 

It’s funny. My parents tell me a lot of their friends are always complaining about how their adult children are so mean and unattached to them. I guess you reap what you sow.