Snap! Crackle! K-Pop!

According to many an envious non-Korean Asian, there are only a few things Koreans do well. Pop music, otherwise known as K-Pop, is one of them.  In fact, the only thing more popular than K-Pop music in Asia is K-Pop fashion. And Costco.

To be honest, K-Pop is not my thing. I prefer music from indie-pop bands that refuse to look at the camera in their pictures. But to be fair, K-Pop isn’t bad karaoke either. It really is no different than American pop songs you hear today from artists you’ll forget tomorrow. And when you think of all the Asians in the world and their disposable incomes, well, you can see why this music is pretty $eriou$ bu$ine$$. In fact, a lot of K-Pop artists are starting to collaborate with western musical trendsetters such as Kanye West, will.i.am and the Jonas Brothers. 

The stories of K-Pop stars read like, well, a corporate manual. Talent management companies first identify young Koreans they deem as having star potential. They must be attractive and as thin as a Korean mother’s patience. They must go through at least a 2-year apprenticeship that involves singing, dancing and pouting. Upon graduation, they are grouped with other Koreans not necessarily based on talent or compatibility, but if they look good standing next to each other. A few are handsome enough to become solo artists. 

So, who are these wunderkinds of Asian pop music? The following is a sampler of some of K-Pop’s biggest stars.

SHINee (Pronounced “shiny”)

R&B boy band. Fashion icons. Famous for something called “The SHINee Look”: high top sneakers, skinny jeans and colorful sweaters. Apparently looking like a douche bag is not only an American thing. 

You Might Know Them From Such Hits As:

Older Girl, You’re So Pretty

Girl’s Generation

A nine-member girl group. Nothing scandalous or terribly interesting about them. Just a bunch of nice Korean girls. Also known as Soshi or SNSD. Why? I have no idea. Why is the name “Jack” short for “John”?

You Might Know Them From Such Hit Songs As:

Oh!

Visual Dreams

Gee

Rain

The King of K-Pop. Has done several Korean movies like I’m a Cyborg But That’s OK. Was on a Korean TV show called Full House. No, not that Full House. This one made him a star throughout Asia, the US and Israel. Yes, that Israel. Has appeared in American movies like Speed Racer and Ninja Assassin. Once listed as one of the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World by Time magazine. I do not know if Rain’s mother asked him, “How come not MOST influential people in the world?!?!?”

You Might Know Him From Such Hits As:

Ways to Avoid the Sun

Hip Song

BigBang

They’re either big fans of physics and named their group after the theory. Or they just like the sound of the name. Either way, this Korean boy band were a hit machine in the mid to late 2000s. Like every other musical group, once they achieved success they went on to pursue solo projects. Reunited in 2011 and released their EP Tonight: the first K-Pop album ever to reach the Top 10 U.S. iTunes Charts. 

You Might Know Them From Such Hits As:

Strong Baby

Lollipop

Oh My Friend

Se7en

Apparently the names 6ix and Ei8ht were already taken. Not a band but actually a one-man force of Korean awesomeness. Had sold-out concerts in NYC, L.A. and Washington D.C. Has worked with Lil’ Kim. Hasn’t lived in Korea since 2007. Just like Kim Jong Il, setting his sights on America. 

You Might Know Him From Such Hits As:

Girls

Crazy

I Know

Brown Eyed Girls

At first, just another K-Pop girl group. Now, a Korean mother’s worst nightmare. Redefined themselves as the naughty girls of K-Pop with the release of their song and video, Abracadabra. Where were these girls when I had to go to Korean Culture School? Arch nemesis of another girl group, The Wonder Girls.

The Wonder Girls

In 2009, they became the first Korean singers ever to have a single (called Nobody) on Billboard’s Hot 100 List. In fact, they are “over 30,000,000 in download sales” popular. They also toured with the Jonas Brothers during said group’s North American tour. Released their single 2 Different Tears in Korean, Chinese and English. One of the original members actually left the group to go back to school; I guess you can take the girl out of Korea, but you can’t take the Korea out of the girl.   

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Just like women have Gay-dar, Asians have A-dar: the innate capability to tell the difference between Asians, specifically (at least for me) Chinese, Japanese and Koreans. It’s a skill that stems from an Asian’s ability to pick up miniscule nuances like t-shirts that say “Kiss Me I’m Korean” or the fact that you’re in a Chinese restaurant. This is something you don’t really learn. You’re just born with it. There are, however, a few telltale signs that can help you avoid the embarrassment of asking a Japanese person if he’s Polish.

The first clue is language. Since I’m a Korean, han-gul (that’s Korean for “Korean”) is my baseline. This is what sounds normal to me. I do notice, however, Koreans really like to draw out the vowels in their words. I believe the intent is to emphasize their disappointment in everything.

In contrast, the Japanese language sounds like a lot of work. It seems to use a lot of words to express something simple. For example, look at their last names. Families in Japan carry such bloodline designations as Tanaka, Yamaguchi and Supercalafragilistiexpealadocious. Then there’s the Chinese.

It should be noted that China is made up of several different races that have their own distinct dialects. Nonetheless, the Chinese language generally sounds like someone playing a record backwards.

When the spoken word fails you, there’s always an Asian’s physical appearance. Koreans generally have wider faces covered in fairer skin tones with hints of yellow. Our eyes aren’t as slanted as the Chinese or Japanese. But our noses are bigger and our hair tends to be browner. The Japanese face has a lot of angularity to it as well as a lot more paleness. Their jaw lines are strong and their eyes tend to have a lot more slant to them. For me, there are two Chinese looks. The Southern version tends to have rounder eyes and darker skin. They also seem to be shorter than even Koreans. On the other hand, their Northern counterparts usually are pastier with almond-shaped eyes. They also tend to be taller. Regardless of where they’re from, the Chinese always looked soft and delicate to me. Kind of like, well, a China Doll.

In lieu of A-Dar, perhaps the easiest way to figure things out is simply by asking. Don’t worry. We really don’t take offense to questions like “Are you Korean?” It’s the follow-up inquiries that annoy us. For example, after I tell you I’m Korean, don’t respond with things like, “You know, I have a TV from Korea.” This just tells me that you’re stupid. And trust me, I didn’t need any A-Dar to figure that one out.